All is lost in this war and all we can do is to wail and weep to the saddest song.

I realize I've been M.I.A. for a while.
A web friend and fellow blogger, (Julie Tate of Gossip & the Devil), posted an entry the other day, that pretty much echoed what have been my current sentiments since my own last post:



"The guilt that overwhelmed me when G&D went without updates finally came to a head when I realized I needed to take a step back and give myself room, without detailing every bit in G&D posts–this is not a diary, it’s a description of artistic faith, after all...

I once had a very specific dream of what I wanted to be creatively and publicly. Now I’m not sure where that dream lies. Consider this a pilgrimage to find out where it went."




I don't know that I'm ready to come back full force yet. The "Ella Anarchy" part of me really wants to - but a bigger part of me, (the regular "me"), fails to see a point. Stress is never a fun thing, and I don't want to feel stressed about not posting regularly. But I *have* been overwhelmed by this... believe me, I have been.

I'm not going to go into much detail here. But, basically, I think it has everything to do with certain tragic events that happened a month ago, (regarding my last entry)...

Obviously, I never met or knew Alexander McQueen personally... but in a way I feel like I did, because he was an artist. (In the profession I've chosen for myself, no less). And everyone who admires any kind of artist knows that every piece is a piece of that artist's heart... their SOUL. So, YES, I feel like I knew him on a personal level. I still haven't even completely gotten over the shock of the passing of the drummer from one of the bands that helped shape me, (The Rev of A7X), and then Mcqueen's sudden death hit me like another ton of bricks. Like a punch to my stomach - and I haven't been able to catch my breath yet.

Emotions can be a beautiful thing, but they can also break you into pieces. I am an emotional person, and so was Alexander. The fact that he couldn't handle his emotions anymore, and wasn't at peace, is what threw me for the biggest loop. The fact that he couldn't take it anymore made me question my own strength, when it comes to my career goals. The fashion industry is nobody's best friend. For the past month, I've been asking myself if it's wise to even TRY to get my foot in the door, anymore. I have no confidence in anything I produce. I'm never satisfied with what I do. What is somebody who thinks this way even DOING in this career??

This is what has been plaguing me for a month, now.






Today, I think I finally saw the light again.





I spent the day with amazing, hyper-talented friends who inspire me, and getting to hear industry professionals speak of their own struggles in this business and how they've overcome them. I think I'm coming to the end of my 'mourning' period for Mr. Mcqueen... I've gone through the shock, the sadness, the anger... now all that's left is the acceptance. I have to accept the fact that what happened, happened. To accept the fact that I'm my OWN person, my OWN artist, who must pave her own way in this world. I can't allow others' decisions about their own lives affect mine.

With that said, I still feel like I need a break from being a creative person, (who expects way too much of herself). A vacation. I don't want to talk about sewing or making things for a while. I want to kind of just sit in the sidelines for some time... quietly observing what everyone else is coming up with in the world. I need to fill the holes in my heart with inspiration.



I'd like to end this post with a couple of quotes:

"You have to allow yourself to feel sad… but you also have to believe in yourself." - Mat Devine



current favourite that I heard today:

"If it is to be, it is up to me" - Gayla Bentley

And FINALLY, (I've blabbed way too much already), the photos you see here are stills from the latest IAMX video for the song "I am Terrified". What better way to get a good dose of 'inspiration pills' than to see the latest, and (dare I say it?) BEST YET, piece of work from my #1 muse?!

Please watch this video. He shot/edited the whole thing himself.

Seriously.. I can't explain how much I'm loving this right now. I want to watch it all day long.





Until next time.
<3 E.A.